Momma, Maybe

Wednesday 11/1/17 1:42PM

I don’t know how it always happens that I go months and months without writing, because it feels like I just wrote the other day. I had a fleeting moment of motivation to write this morning and this page has been open ever since. I figure since I have a new job where I have a lot of down time I might as well be putting thoughts into words.

So so so so much has happened in the past few months, I’m not going to recap any of it. Let’s just say they weren’t highlights of my mental health track record.

I will however start with recent history, as it pertains to what is currently going on in my life.

I started dating Caleb. Yes, the boy I slept with in high school who then never spoke to me again. Obviously I got over that and since it’s been nearly ten years I know we have both grown up a lot since then. He is truly amazing and so so lovely. Except I’m sworn to secrecy about his soft side. No one else is allowed to know.

We reconnected because of a mutual friend and we started talking a lot. Then suddenly we were going to get food together without the rest of the group, and then we started hinting that we liked each other and then suddenly, we’re at the bar, coming in from having a smoke and none of our friends are around and I’m pushing him up against the wall and kissing him. We decided to just have a casual thing for a while and we were getting along really well. I’m like positive we are like 85% the same person because we always end up making the same jokes at the same time. I started staying at his place a lot and then suddenly Meika was there with us too and more and more of my clothes were taking over his room. He asked me to move in and I was like sure why the hell not? I didn’t want to be away from him for any length of time.

One night we were out on the patio grilling some food and we were all drinking and I was dancing to the loud music we had playing and we were being silly and as I was sitting on his lap when he looked at me and said ‘how about we get serious about this? Let’s make this an official thing.’  I jokingly said ‘hmm let me think about it and get back to you.’  HAHHAHA yeah he though that was hilarious (not) but of course I said yes and we made it “Facebook Official” because that’s apparently how you are supposed to do things nowadays. And when it was bedtime, we celebrated alone in the bedroom.

Fast forward about a month and we had been coexisting happily as can be. I notice I’m nauseous pretty much all the time and then it clicks in my head. I take a pregnancy test on the day I should have been starting my period. Result? Baby on Board.

Now I CANNOT WAIT to be a mother and everyone knows this. I have previously had 2 miscarriages and after the most recent one I had testing done and it turns out I have a clotting disorder. It will make staying pregnant difficult. I am supposed to be on many medications prior to getting pregnant (but I mean really, who plans it out that way?!) so even though I was fucking ECSTATIC, I was actually more terrified than anything that I may have to potentially deal with that loss again. So Friday, this happened on a Friday. Caleb gets home from work and already knows because I shared with him what I was doing. He already suspected I was as well because of how vomit-y I had been feeling. I sent him a picture of the positive test. Anyways, he gets home and he’s so so so happy. I take another test because I was in shock or something. it came out negative. Then a little while later I take another and it said positive and at that point I show him and I’m like ‘ehh it’s confused, we need to go to the dr right now so I can get the bloodwork test.’ We go to the urgent care and have that done. Dr says even though their urine test came back negative that “if anyone is pregnant, it’s you”..

All weekend I was telling him not to get his hopes up and that we can’t tell anyone until I know for sure and even then I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell people until I was farther along, just in case. But nonetheless, we spent all weekend being super happy and talking about potential names. Monday comes and the blood test confirms that I am pregnant. I call my OB and get all the medications that my disorder requires. Tuesday I apply for medicaid. Wednesday I decide I can’t keep it a secret and I tell my mom and my grandparents who happened to be coming over that day too.

Thursday shows up and I go to work. I start feeling cramps but they pass in a few minutes so I think nothing of it. A few hours pass and I go to the bathroom and there is pink. Blood when I wipe. I immediately start freaking out and trying not to bawl my eyes out prematurely. I let my boss know I have to step outside to make a phone call. My OB office tells me to go to the hospital. I immediately start having a panic attack and crying. I pull my boss aside and tell her I was expecting but i’m having bleeding and my doctor told me I need to go to the hospital immediately. She was very understanding and told me to ‘go go and drive safe’. The whole way there I was shaking so bad I was nearly convulsing. I was trying not to sob and the cramps were getting worse by the moment. I was holding my stomach and telling the baby to just hold on a little while longer. I spend the next 2 hours in the ER trying to get a hold of Caleb who’s phone had died right after he fell asleep.  He finally gets my messages and comes right up to the hospital with me.

They tell me the there is nothing in my uterus, even though my pregnancy hormones are right where they should be for someone 4 weeks along. They tell me they see a mass in my left ovary. I have an ectopic pregnancy. There is no chance of saving the baby but a more hopeful chance of saving the left side of my reproductive organs. They tell me I have to have emergency surgery and start explaining all of the things that are going to happen over the rest of my visit. They finally give us a moment to process what has happened and I give my mom a call. She was at a football game that Mia was cheering at. After a comical few minutes of us trying to be able to hear each other I finally lose it and say “I’m in the emergency room… you didn’t get your hopes up did you?” and I explain what happened and I hear her just break down and start sobbing. I cannot stand to see my Momma in pain and it brought back memories of when I lost my last baby and she collapsed into my arms. I couldn’t handle it. After the game she took Mia home and rushed up to the hospital to sit with me. She sat with Caleb during the whole surgery. Caleb stayed the night with me in the hospital.

He is such an amazing man. I could barely walk the first few days and I definitely couldn’t stand up completely straight. I was so bloated from the procedure I couldn’t see past my belly button. When we got home he put me in bed and  did everything to take care of me. Anything I needed. The next day I finally decided that I needed to shower but I still couldn’t stand up, or see my bottom half, which was still covered in iodine. He bathed me and dried me because I couldn’t really bend over to take care of even that myself. He got me dressed and everything. I love him so much. With all my heart.

Another reason I wanted to start writing is because in the morning, we go to court for Caleb’s sentencing. As far as we know it is between probation or up to a year in jail. I don’t really want to get into why, because it isn’t my business, but I will say that it involves his daughters and an accident and a hospital pressing charges because of said accident.

I don’t know what I am going to do if they take him away from me. I mean, I know that I will work my ass off and keep myself busy and save money so that things will be easier on him when he is released. Emotionally though I will most likely be a hot mess. I don’t know how I am going to keep it together tomorrow if he’s up in front of the judge and they put him in handcuffs. I am quite literally going to lose my shit. He doesn’t deserve that. He is going to have a massive support system there tomorrow though, his mom, dad, step-mom, me, Mike, Addy and I’m not even sure who else. I know they are all gonna be a mess too. We just gotta keep each other together.