Momma, Maybe

Wednesday 11/1/17 1:42PM

I don’t know how it always happens that I go months and months without writing, because it feels like I just wrote the other day. I had a fleeting moment of motivation to write this morning and this page has been open ever since. I figure since I have a new job where I have a lot of down time I might as well be putting thoughts into words.

So so so so much has happened in the past few months, I’m not going to recap any of it. Let’s just say they weren’t highlights of my mental health track record.

I will however start with recent history, as it pertains to what is currently going on in my life.

I started dating Caleb. Yes, the boy I slept with in high school who then never spoke to me again. Obviously I got over that and since it’s been nearly ten years I know we have both grown up a lot since then. He is truly amazing and so so lovely. Except I’m sworn to secrecy about his soft side. No one else is allowed to know.

We reconnected because of a mutual friend and we started talking a lot. Then suddenly we were going to get food together without the rest of the group, and then we started hinting that we liked each other and then suddenly, we’re at the bar, coming in from having a smoke and none of our friends are around and I’m pushing him up against the wall and kissing him. We decided to just have a casual thing for a while and we were getting along really well. I’m like positive we are like 85% the same person because we always end up making the same jokes at the same time. I started staying at his place a lot and then suddenly Meika was there with us too and more and more of my clothes were taking over his room. He asked me to move in and I was like sure why the hell not? I didn’t want to be away from him for any length of time.

One night we were out on the patio grilling some food and we were all drinking and I was dancing to the loud music we had playing and we were being silly and as I was sitting on his lap when he looked at me and said ‘how about we get serious about this? Let’s make this an official thing.’  I jokingly said ‘hmm let me think about it and get back to you.’  HAHHAHA yeah he though that was hilarious (not) but of course I said yes and we made it “Facebook Official” because that’s apparently how you are supposed to do things nowadays. And when it was bedtime, we celebrated alone in the bedroom.

Fast forward about a month and we had been coexisting happily as can be. I notice I’m nauseous pretty much all the time and then it clicks in my head. I take a pregnancy test on the day I should have been starting my period. Result? Baby on Board.

Now I CANNOT WAIT to be a mother and everyone knows this. I have previously had 2 miscarriages and after the most recent one I had testing done and it turns out I have a clotting disorder. It will make staying pregnant difficult. I am supposed to be on many medications prior to getting pregnant (but I mean really, who plans it out that way?!) so even though I was fucking ECSTATIC, I was actually more terrified than anything that I may have to potentially deal with that loss again. So Friday, this happened on a Friday. Caleb gets home from work and already knows because I shared with him what I was doing. He already suspected I was as well because of how vomit-y I had been feeling. I sent him a picture of the positive test. Anyways, he gets home and he’s so so so happy. I take another test because I was in shock or something. it came out negative. Then a little while later I take another and it said positive and at that point I show him and I’m like ‘ehh it’s confused, we need to go to the dr right now so I can get the bloodwork test.’ We go to the urgent care and have that done. Dr says even though their urine test came back negative that “if anyone is pregnant, it’s you”..

All weekend I was telling him not to get his hopes up and that we can’t tell anyone until I know for sure and even then I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell people until I was farther along, just in case. But nonetheless, we spent all weekend being super happy and talking about potential names. Monday comes and the blood test confirms that I am pregnant. I call my OB and get all the medications that my disorder requires. Tuesday I apply for medicaid. Wednesday I decide I can’t keep it a secret and I tell my mom and my grandparents who happened to be coming over that day too.

Thursday shows up and I go to work. I start feeling cramps but they pass in a few minutes so I think nothing of it. A few hours pass and I go to the bathroom and there is pink. Blood when I wipe. I immediately start freaking out and trying not to bawl my eyes out prematurely. I let my boss know I have to step outside to make a phone call. My OB office tells me to go to the hospital. I immediately start having a panic attack and crying. I pull my boss aside and tell her I was expecting but i’m having bleeding and my doctor told me I need to go to the hospital immediately. She was very understanding and told me to ‘go go and drive safe’. The whole way there I was shaking so bad I was nearly convulsing. I was trying not to sob and the cramps were getting worse by the moment. I was holding my stomach and telling the baby to just hold on a little while longer. I spend the next 2 hours in the ER trying to get a hold of Caleb who’s phone had died right after he fell asleep.  He finally gets my messages and comes right up to the hospital with me.

They tell me the there is nothing in my uterus, even though my pregnancy hormones are right where they should be for someone 4 weeks along. They tell me they see a mass in my left ovary. I have an ectopic pregnancy. There is no chance of saving the baby but a more hopeful chance of saving the left side of my reproductive organs. They tell me I have to have emergency surgery and start explaining all of the things that are going to happen over the rest of my visit. They finally give us a moment to process what has happened and I give my mom a call. She was at a football game that Mia was cheering at. After a comical few minutes of us trying to be able to hear each other I finally lose it and say “I’m in the emergency room… you didn’t get your hopes up did you?” and I explain what happened and I hear her just break down and start sobbing. I cannot stand to see my Momma in pain and it brought back memories of when I lost my last baby and she collapsed into my arms. I couldn’t handle it. After the game she took Mia home and rushed up to the hospital to sit with me. She sat with Caleb during the whole surgery. Caleb stayed the night with me in the hospital.

He is such an amazing man. I could barely walk the first few days and I definitely couldn’t stand up completely straight. I was so bloated from the procedure I couldn’t see past my belly button. When we got home he put me in bed and  did everything to take care of me. Anything I needed. The next day I finally decided that I needed to shower but I still couldn’t stand up, or see my bottom half, which was still covered in iodine. He bathed me and dried me because I couldn’t really bend over to take care of even that myself. He got me dressed and everything. I love him so much. With all my heart.


Another reason I wanted to start writing is because in the morning, we go to court for Caleb’s sentencing. As far as we know it is between probation or up to a year in jail. I don’t really want to get into why, because it isn’t my business, but I will say that it involves his daughters and an accident and a hospital pressing charges because of said accident.

I don’t know what I am going to do if they take him away from me. I mean, I know that I will work my ass off and keep myself busy and save money so that things will be easier on him when he is released. Emotionally though I will most likely be a hot mess. I don’t know how I am going to keep it together tomorrow if he’s up in front of the judge and they put him in handcuffs. I am quite literally going to lose my shit. He doesn’t deserve that. He is going to have a massive support system there tomorrow though, his mom, dad, step-mom, me, Mike, Addy and I’m not even sure who else. I know they are all gonna be a mess too. We just gotta keep each other together.

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It’s Only Wednesday

10:12am – So I decided that I will keep a running post while I’m at work and feel like writing, then at the end of the day I will post. It’s just easier that way. Just like how I used to journal in middle school. Just write time stamped entries through out the day. It ends up being super entertaining at the end of the day because you get to see the mood swings and the random thoughts.

Last night Haven and Grim came over and when I got home from work I decided to eat one of the special cookies we made the night before. MAN OH MAN that’s potent stuff. Note to self: You don’t do it that often BECAUSE YOU DON’T REALLY LIKE IT. It was like having 4 out of body experiences at once. It also unleashed a wicked fucking migraine so I forced myself to go to sleep because I started feeling so sick. Then I slept on the couch all night. So did Cody but on the other end. Next time I think we split a cookie haha.

I still have the migraine now. I’m slowly dying but at least I don’t have the nausea that usually comes with it.

 

12:55pm – So last night I started watching girlboss on netflix and soon realized it is based on the founder of nasty gal and i’m obsessed. I downloaded the audio book on my lunch and I’m pretty much hoping I can just do that for the rest of the day. I’m so inspired by this story. I just want to spend all my money on being creative only I have no money. I wish I could be watching the show instead of listening to the book but I’m sure I wouldn’t get away with that as smoothly.

1:36pm – I want to write a book.

2:18pm – Or maybe a zine.

4:46pm – I just realized I’m here until 5:30 and not only another 15 minutes…. ugh.

But seriously this book has me so inspired I just want to go start being creative and making things that I can sell. I’m thinking it’s time to start venturing outside of just crochet. I think this whole thrifting clothes and repurposing them really has somthing to it. I’ve always been extra interested in fashion but never good at sewing patterns, but I have always altered almost all the stuff I own and wear things in unconventional ways. Maybe it’s time to start pulling out my inner stylist and put it to use. Plus, I already have a super nice camera (I named her Alice) and a sister that is model-esque. Seriously both of my YOUNGER sisters are taller than me and stick thin and gorgeous.

 

Slowwwwww

Another slow day at work. I remembered my headphones though so I am currently rocking out to Crazy In Love. 😀 😀

I also got paid today!!! It’s been probably two months since I’ve gotten a payday so I treated myself to a Venti White Chocolate Mocha and a chocolate chip muffin this morning. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. I also bought 3 tickets to nothing more… because Zain has never been to a concert before!!!!! Can you even BELIEVE that?!?!?! I’ve been to so many, I can’t even keep track. So I bought one for us and then one for Grim as well. Hopefully he will be able to go. If not I’ll ask my sister. Because It’s about time she see’s them, I’ve only seen them probably pushing 5 times now? I’ve lost count haha.

 

Hmmmm, what else can I write about while I’m here at work trying to look busy?

Meika is doing really well. She is occasionally still having problems signalling that she has to go potty so that results in accidents. And all this week I’ve been waking up late so Cody has been letting her out and feeding her and crating her when he leaves. We got into a text argument about it yesterday but I think he was just having a bad day.

She is jjust like me when it comes to waking up and getting out of bed – she doesn’t. So this morning I stopped trying and just poured food in her bowl and said breakfast and whatdyaknow? she came running from the bedroom. Then I put her on the leash outside and literally had to push her out the door with my foot. I’m not sure if she went but she was scratching at the door to come in. So I let her in. Cody still will crate her when he leaves so she doesn’t have to be in there longer than what is needed. He texted me this morning and said he couldn’t find her…until he looked in the crate and she was already in there laying down! She is getting used to the routine and I am so proud of her.

 

Where Oh Where Did I Go

Honestly it’s been like two months since I’ve written? What the hell Megan get it together. Bullet points of since then…

  • got fired
  • had no job for like a month and a half
  • went on 10000 interviews
  • my due date came and went and it was difficult
  • Dove moved in (did that already happen in the last post? I don’t know)
  • Jay moved out (not peacefully)
  • we went to march event and had a threesome with a trans girl named Ariel
  • Haven got me a job working at his office and I absolutely love it
  • I brought home a puppy. Cody had no idea but he did let me keep it
  • puppy keeps pooping in the house BUT I WILL NOT GIVE UP
  • Ariel came to visit this past weekend and it was very fun.
  • I slept for three hours when I got home from work yesterday to recover, stayed up for like 2 hours to eat and then went to bed again until I woke up at 7 this morning.
  • my bank account is almost $300 in the negative but there is only three more days until I get paid so that’s awesome.

Hmmmmm, what else? I’ve been slacking on all my hobbies. And eating because I’m poor. Also, Puppy takes up so much time because I have so much love to give her. Her name is Meika and she will be 1 year old on May 15th. I absolutely adore her. Last night she was asleep on the couch next to me and I had to let her outside before I went to bed and she was so so tired she wasn’t waking up for me. I pet her and gave her kisses and she was just kind of half squinting her eyes open and it was the most adorable thing I have ever seen. Cody was laughing because that’s exactly me when people try to wake me up. Just one eye half open at a time. So I picked her up like a baby and carried her to the back door and she layed down which made putting her harness on extremely difficult. She is so cute. And she cuddles into me and I love it. All I have ever wanted is a dog of my own and she is a puppy and latching onto me so hard. The most satisfying part is that she likes me more than Cody. But she does adore him, he just yells at her more with his scary man voice so she is more nervous around him but she wants to make him happy so bad. I love it.

I’m currently at work and it is a very slow day so I’m taking a moment to write because I don’t want to keep being on my phone. I’ve caught up on everything so I don’t have anything really to do until another work order rolls in.

I really want to write about the event though, but not while I’m here. THAT would be awkward.

Tonight I’ve recruited Grim and Zain to help us move the blue couch from my momma’s to our place. WE WILL FINALLY HAVE OUR SECOND LIVING ROOM ALMOST SET UP. Except that means when I get home I have to move everything from in front of the window down to the basement which is going to suck. Maybe I will have Grim come over early to help me do that because Cody pulled an all nighter and I know he is going to be passed the fuck out when I get home.

4/4/17 @ 3:03PM

DOIN NOTHIN

I don’t know how I get so caught up in doing nothing that I forget to write. It’s been a long week of struggling with my anxieties and depression. I think I have been on the paxil long enough now that the initial “yay it’s working!” is starting to balance out. I don’t feel as bad as I did but I feel like it’s working a little less. Which I guess is normal because now my body has balanced it back out I guess. I may need to increase the dose slightly. I have motivation but I am not as motivated as I was. I’ve started slacking on the cleaning and the laundry and whatnot again. I want the ‘i can do anything’ feeling back. I want to feel like I’m going to take over the world.

Today is my day off, and I have a super bad migraine, I can barely read the words on my screen because my eyes feel like they are being squeezed out of my head. All I’ve been doing all week is binge watching netflix (currently ghost whisperer and criminal minds) and working on my book of shadows. I have so many ideas and it’s all coming together. I am doing a hand written one too, and for a rough copy I am just writing it on loose leaf and keeping it in a three ring binder. then I am gonna gather my information and rewrite it in my words and copy it into these beautiful metallic journals I have been collecting. I am also going to have everything typed up on here. eventually. I used to think that a book of shadows had to mirror all the examples I saw and have certian sections and what not but it is all making sense to me now. Not once have I cast a circle or a spell, I don’t need those sections. I am just making sections and gathering info on what I am interested in. I choose wicca for the more spiritual side, not for the actual practicing side.

Section ideas are: tarot, chakras, herbs, gardening, sabbats, color/candles, stones/gems, greek gods, egyptian gods.

And the beautiful part is I’m seeing that it doesn’t have to be set in stone. I can change and move things around as I see fit. Add and take away parts as I want. I don’t have to follow any preset rules, I can just do it however I would like. That’s always been very hard for me, not having specific guidelines to follow or a set way of doing things. Not everything has to be systematic.

Hmm, what else this week? OH! I got my tax refund and paid off the rest of my car! It feels so good to finally officially own it. I also went on an Amazon shopping spree. I bought 10 books and like 2 journals. I can’t wait for them all to get here. I got 4 already because I choose them to ship as they were available. The rest ship today. I can’t wait.

Ok, for now, back to Netflix and time to switch the laundry over and try to get this migraine to go away. And more BOS planning.

 

2/13/17 @ 2:04PM

IT’S HAPPENING

I’ve been contemplating how graphic and detailed I want to be in my journal entries on here. I decided full disclosure. So things might get a little rated R. I also decided that since I am so….visually active on my tumblr, that I am going to collect followers here without any #selfies or anything like that. Not for the anonymity or anything, but to prove to myself that my words and interests can collect just as many followers as pictures of me and my body.

 

So today was a quiet day. When we woke up we laid in bed being cute for a while and then I started feeling cramps really bad. I was like ” uh oh. It’s happening. Not like literally but I can feel the cramps.”

Then he was like ‘This is my last chance!’ or something like that and took my shorts off and started going down on me. It actually made the cramps ease up a bit. AND THEN, right after I had… the big O… (still not sure how graphic I want to be), he decided to use a finger or two to start teasing me a bit and all of a sudden I hear him go “Ohh. Oh now it’s happening.”

So yeah, I started all over him. Thank god he doesn’t have a thing against blood. I just started laughing and trying to get off the bed without completely ruining the sheets and he goes “Told ya we weren’t pregnant.”

So I went to clean up in the bathroom and he went to wash his hands in the kitchen and I hear him yell that the back door was wide open and Lucy, (one of our cats, not outdoor cat, one might call them inside cats) was sitting on the hood of my car in the driveway! Jay’s….Girlfriend? Idk Lady friend? To be honest we refer to her as the Bar Whore but for the sake of giving her a real name let’s call her Janice, because her laugh is so super annoying it brings anger to my heart.  ANYWAYS, Janice must have not shut the door all the way when she left for work because she left after Jay did. Simple accident I’m sure but the fact that I already highly dislike her makes it worse. You know how everything someone you don’t like does always seems 20x worse? I’ve got that happening.

After that we just chilled and Varl picked him up and they went to their friends that they don’t see much to play Magic. Which apparently they never got around to doing. I sat around and just chilled at home, Haven came over and just sat here too because he didn’t want to be at home. I just binged watched a shit ton of the Ghost Whisperer and ate rice and drank tea and worked on my tarot stuff. Pretty relaxing. Until they came home and were all loud and I had to readjust to being social with people again. It’s hard sometimes. I know Haven was here but we hardly talked, so when they came home I had to get out of my own head.

Now it’s just me and Cody and were watching tv. I had him run out and buy me a heating pad because my cramps are pretty bad. Which means they will be worse tomorrow. 😦

At least we always start our Sundays with friend brunch. I can’t wait for my pancakes.

 

2/5/17 @ 12:33AM

POSITIVE

I’m actually in a pretty positive mood today. Work is going well and no ones being too terrible. I like when I have days like this. I have a 3 day weekend ahead of me so that helps. I’m getting a lot done and other than my sinus headache I feel physically alright too. I can’t wait to go home and nap hard and snuggle with my kitties though.

Also, no sign of my period so that’s strange.

 

2/3/17 @ 12:48PM

PINS AND NEEDLES

K, I’m back and forcing myself to write so this will probably be hard to follow because I am having a hard time concentrating.

We ended up going to the gym last night and I went on the stair type machine thing (very technical, i know) and because of my previous hip injury, today I am in exquisite pain. It’s not a ‘oh you worked out and your muscles are sore’ type pain either. It’s a ‘your bones feel super stiff and like they are grinding together type pain. That and I have also been having really bad restless legs at night to the point where I am waking Cody up. I think it has something to do with the mattress too, so we are going to have to get a new one soon. All of that together and today at work a few times I was almost in tears. I literally could not sit down for a while because my legs felt like they were falling asleep and about to get pins and needles and my calves kept getting sharp pains and my hips and low back were just so so achy. It was all too much at once. I made an appointmen for next Monday because I cannot keep losing sleep like this. I decided that tonight I am sleeping on the couch and if I have to I will start sleeping on the floor, just to make sure my body isn’t putting pressure on weird places while I sleep. I just want oh so bad to be comfortable while I dream.

Jay is sick with a cold and gave us RedWings tickets for tonight and I was so so excited to go but I am just in too much pain and the roads are so so bad that I nearly had a panic attack on the way home so I decided I was not going to be in a car all the way down to Detroit and survive. And sitting in the cold would not help the pain situation. so there’s that.

All in all though it was an ok day. Cody should be back any minute now with a deep dish pizza from bootleggers.

Side note: tomorrow I should be starting my period and if I don’t…here we go again. More on my pregnancy paranoia another time though.

 

1/31/17 @ 9:37PM

LONG TIME, NO SEE

It’s been a while since I’ve written, I did write in my bullet journal for a week but I thought that would take up too many pages. I wanted to start writing in my actual journal after that but it never seems to make it out of my bag. I figure since my laptop is basically glued to my lap, I would start writing here, just to get it all out of my system.

My intentions with this site is to organize my thoughts. kind of. I have so many hobbies and interests that is hard to keep everything straight so I thought I would super organize here. Right now I am obsessed with learning Tarot.

What’s going on in my life right now you ask? Well I think I finally found an antidepressant that is working. I am doing so well at keeping up with house work, like actually doing laundry and folding it and putting it away, and keeping the sink (mostly) clear of dishes. Living with two guys makes that difficult. Cody and I are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Because you know, we do everything backwards. We are living in the yellow house. I lived here this summer when I found out I was pregnant. Shortly after that I moved in with my Mom to save money, but when I miscarried I started staying with Cody. I love this house. Jay is still staying here, as our roommate. we are taking over the house legally, Jay is recovering from H leaving him and having a really hard time with it… I’ll just leave it at that for now. He is approaching the time frame we had set for him to move out and move on, but I’m honestly afraid to send him off into the world. I would feel responsible if anything bad were to happen.

Really guys, why do I have to be so caring and maternal?

Work is going a lot better than when I had first started. They are actually super understanding of the mental health struggle I have been having. I’m also able to tolerate the awfulness of the people better now that I am on a medication that I am not having an adverse reaction to. I’m staying regular with therapy. I’m trying to keep up on taking vitamins and doing yoga and focusing on hobbies that make me happy. And as oldschool and cliche as this may sound, keeping the house in a decent state is actually one of those hobbies. Feeling like a little housewife while dancing around to music is quite therapeutic. I don’t mind it, I think it’s because there is no expectation or pressure to do it like in previous relationships…

Health wise I am having a difficult time with my tummy. It is always upset. TMI time: I either have diarrhea or can’t go at all (but still feel like I’m about to crap myself. And it doesn’t really correlate with anything I eat, it all just happens so suddenly. I am sooooo tired of it. My migraines haven’t been too bad though, since I’ve been on the medication that works. The sinus headaches are killin me though because this winter has been so mild, and back and forth with the warmth and frigidness.

 

1/30/17 @ 9:14PM